(originally published 7/19/2006)
My story begins with a phone call from a female friend who found out that she had tested positive for chlamydia. I’ll spare you the details of the call and the identity of the caller but I will say that after all that talk, I started feeling like my crotch was getting warmer and warmer. I didn’t sleep with the girl who called but we do in fact, share the same toothbrush on occasion. Okay, I’m kidding about the whole toothbrush thing but the thought of STD’s is pretty scary and it occurred to me that I hadn’t gotten tested in about a year and change and I’d done a stupid thing or two in that time.
I admit this freely because I think honesty is pretty important in these circumstances. Everyone is guilty of being a little careless at some point and the hard truth is, some get burned and some don’t. So, if you’re one of those people that like to fuck other people you just met on the subway, make sure you use a condom or that they don’t have a bad cough at the very least. Oh yeah, watch out for Geminis also because I read a horoscope somewhere that said that they all perpetually die of venereal disease.
Sweating bullets, I went to the free clinic on 100th Street between Amsterdam and Columbus the other day to get tested for cooties of the sexual variety and a couple of things occurred to me during my visit.
For starters, I think those places are set up in such a way that they make you not want to have sex ever again in your life. There was a television high up on the wall playing a video loop of some guy rapping about STDs and how you don’t want any of that shit. The production values on the video couldn’t have run up a bill of more than $25 dollars and I’m willing to bet of all of it probably went to bad weed and 40’s of St. Ides, the Cristal of the late eighties.
The tube was also running footage of actual STD cases and trust me when I say that if you think looking at pictures of infected genitalia is fucked up, it’s nothing like actually seeing it in action. If I had liked cottage cheese at all, I wouldn’t have been able to look at it after. Just writing about it is making my throat clench up. Penises, vaginas… no one was spared. This one guy’s rod looked like one of those trees you see in the forest with mushroom growing on the sides of it.
Needless to say, I packed up all my pornography in a cardboard box when I got home and dropped it off at the neighborhood church. You know, just to be a good samaritan. But let’s not jump to the end of the story so soon.
The video also showed how to properly put on a condom (‘remember kids, don’t use your teeth to put one on because you might break it’… though I’d like to meet someone who can actually put a condom on someone using only their mouth…), various other contraceptives (A female condom? Get the fuck out of here with that crap! I can’t think of one person who has ever used one!) and other ridiculous things like how to use a “dental dam”, which may be the ultimate case of a purpose being defeated. The person onscreen demonstrating this contraption looked both ashamed and in disbelief at having to show how to use the thing, which really isn’t a contraption but just a thin square of rubber that you lay over a woman’s thingamajig before you go down on her and attempt something sort of intimate. It’s sad to think that in this day and age, you can’t go down on someone without sucking on a fucking piece of rubber as well. I can think of at least a dozen reasons why this is just wrong but fuck it, I don’t need to tell you, do I?
Another interesting tidbit of information about my trip was that I couldn’t help but notice the girls in this place waiting for their results. They had this hollow eyed look, like if Death itself had asked them to come in and get checked out. They might as well have walked in with a vulture on their shoulder. The strange thing was, I couldn’t help this feeling of horniness that overcame me while looking at them. Is that sick? Shit, it might be. It’s a little grim admittedly, kind of like when you go to a funeral and you don’t want to go up and pay your respects to the body in question because you have a hard on from staring at the hot, grieving niece of the deceased on the other side of the room.
Back to the topic at hand, one girl at the clinic had on a tube top and a denim skirt so short that even Paris Hilton would’ve been offended at the sight of it and would’ve told the girl to “chillax” or whatever else the kids are saying these days. I couldn’t help but feel like the idea of having unprotected sex with some girl I picked up at an STD clinic was completely inappropriate yet strangely appealing to be thinking . Hey, the rationale is that she’s got her papers… I’ve got mine, so why not?
At this point you may think that there is something terribly wrong with me and I’d be inclined to agree but if you’re still reading up to now, I’d say that at the very least, I’m entertaining you in at least some way. Keep reading!
Now… in regards to my comment above on banging someone I met at an STD clinic, erections at a funeral and unprotected sex in general, it’s not just disease you gotta worry about but the fact that you might have someone knock at your door with a bundle of joy to hand to you in a few months. Yeah, it’s completely irresponsible to have unprotected sex, kids. Doesn’t mean that it doesn’t feel damn good but hey, blame the government and whoever the asshole was that thought up the whole STD thing for your woes, not me.
They drew some blood to send to the lab. Needles aren’t so bad but I’m not particularly crazy about them because of a bad experience I had a while back when I was in the hospital with a bone infection in my hand. They had to give me penicillin through an IV during my stay and believe me, when you have some medical intern who doesn’t know what the fuck she’s doing sticking you over and over with a huge needle because she keeps missing the vein, I’m sure your feelings about needles will lean towards the negative as well. The lady at the clinic drew my blood quickly and efficiently, something I appreciate enough to maybe send her flowers and a cake in the near future.
They also took a urine sample. More than a sample actually as I gave them a bladder full of piss. Not only did I fill up the container but I filled up the bag that the container was in as well, just to cover all of their needs. The lady looked at me like I was crazy but hey, nothing makes someone’s day like a bag full of piss.
Okay, I’m just kidding about filling up the bag with piss but that last sentence was worth writing out, I couldn’t help it.
Then they gave me an HIV test that was done orally. No, I didn’t have to blow anybody, you sick fuckin’ degenerate, it was administered with a swab that was run along both the upper and lower gumline. It’s the newest thing and it’s pretty cool because I only had to wait for about 45 minutes for the results. Yeah, it was probably the most terrifying 45 fuckin’ minutes of my life, right up until they sat me down to give me my results but it was all worth it when they declared that I was negative and free to stick my dick in anybody I saw fit to.
The rest of my results I’ll get in a week and until then, I’ll have to live with the idea that while I don’t have HIV, I may just have an assortment of other fun diseases to enjoy because like the television at the clinic said, there’s a bunch of shit that you can catch out there that you don’t show symptoms for! So if you don’t see anymore posts from me after this one, that means I’ve probably just jumped off a bridge to spare the rest of you from infection. Because God knows that I can’t live if I can’t be irresponsible.
I’m sure I’m fine but the threat lingers… out there… in the streets… at your favorite restaurant… someone or something is waiting to give you an STD. On purpose? Maybe. All jokes aside, some people know they have the cooties and want to give it to others out of spite. Come to think of it, maybe that dental dam isn’t such a bad idea after all… Maybe I should carry around a surgical glove and chew on it from time to time so I can get used to the taste.
In the end, I had learned a valuable lesson:
If it wasn’t for those meddling kids, I would’ve gotten away with it.
THINGS I HAVE LEARNED IN LIFE THUS FAR:
Some people get thrown in jail for writing long, drawn out pieces on oozing genitalia and general horniness. Not to mention the whole bit regarding hard-ons at funerals, which I’m actually beginning to regret writing, if only a little. Who am I kidding? That shit is hilarious!